Just like the world is full of paramours and devoid of true lovers, the world is full of talkers and devoid of listeners. The below excerpt from Ankur Warikoo's work about his meeting with Ali Abdal prompted me to write this blog.
Why is it so challenging to find good listeners and how above excerpt relates to listening? Welcome to another discourse in the curious case series!
Well, finding good listeners is almost as hard as finding good politicians. At times when we are so frustrated with what is happening in the political world, we tend to think that good politicians could be some alien breed which can come only from some distant inconceivable realm.
But the harsh reality is politicians don't materialize out of thin air or miracles—
they emerge from our own midst. And the same holds true for listeners.
Collectively, we emit an aura of reluctance towards genuine listening; the
reluctance is real, it's palpable!
But why is that so? Why is listening—wherein one doesn't actually have to do anything but just has to sit and let the other person do the talking—so daunting? Maybe simply because we are all self-absorbed, and that's where the above excerpt beautifully points to. The extent of self-absorption differs from individual to individual. The more eager one is to interject with a "me too" in any conversation, the deeper their self-absorption runs. We are so full of ourselves that even if we appear to be listening, we are never really there, just like how school teachers scold students that being physically present in the class is one thing and paying attention is different.
Paying attention in class or listening to people is so challenging because it can’t be coerced. It originates from intent & intent comes from within—from the very core of the person and his personality type.
Below are two common indicators of poor listeners:
"Me too", the eagerness to inform the speaker of one's own similar experiences. At times, this impulse could be unintentional, coming from the listener's subconscious as a reflex to his assumption that the speaker is boasting. But most of the time, it's coming out of genuine impatience. That's where I found "me too" in above excerpt relating to the quality of listening as well.
Unwarranted suggestions—the eagerness to bombard the speaker with suggestions regardless of whether the speaker is seeking suggestions or simply expressing himself.
In summary, impulsiveness to jump onto the bandwagon even at the expense of overshadowing the speaker is a telltale sign of poor listening. That uncontrollable urge to either show off your past experiences by talking of "me too" or showing off knowledge by giving unwarranted suggestions is indicative of self-absorption, which is almost always inversely proportional to being a good listener. Essentially, that tendency to take the center stage is a big red flag for being a poor listener, and in all likelihood, it goes hand in hand with self-obsession. Knowingly or unknowingly, self-obsessed individuals tend to hijack every opportunity to make it their stage to either let everyone know their experiences or learnings regardless of whether it's called for or not. It’s a typical trait when one is full of himself and struggles to think beyond. Having said enough about poor listeners, let's come to the point. What does it take to be a good listener?
As previously mentioned, it is not something that can be explicitly taught. Being a good listener may not be a practicable art like other arts and skills. It must emanate from within—from the very core of the person. Most importantly, it's about the inherent acceptance and acknowledgment of others. People who are earnestly good listeners are most likely very good human beings, and they have that natural sense of respect and acceptance for the other person irrespective of their own circumstances. Being a good listener and the virtue of humility most of the times go hand in hand.
Being a good listener isn’t merely about humility but a beautiful amalgamation of it with another virtue—curiosity. Curiosity when proportionately coupled with humility is the recipe of a good listener. Good listeners not just humbly accept people and let them be, they are also equally curious to hear people and their experiences, perspectives, and thoughts. They exhibit a strong resistance against biases which translates to another beautiful virtue of not being judgmental. Having a judgmental audience always creates a subconscious apprehension in the mind of the speaker, thus compromising the quality of open communication.
Another quality of good listeners is their skill of putting appropriate prompts. Nowadays, there has been so much "beating around the bush" for the word "storytelling" but that has been a natural impulse of humans since ages. All of us have stories to tell and experiences to share. Good listeners with their perfect prompts master the knack of turning speakers on. During any setting or discussion, good listeners have an impeccable timing of asking the right questions or throwing the right prompts to make the speaker completely pour out their thoughts and emotions. That's where the magic lies. The speaker not only feels being heard, he feels being anticipated as well! To a significant extent, a person is drawn more to environments where they feel anticipated and heard, more so than by any other factor.
In general, good listeners demonstrate great respect and accommodation towards others, steering clear of the red flags exhibited by poor listeners. By doing so, they create an environment where everyone feels at home.
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